KENNEBUNK – Before revealing the 150 former clients of infamous accused prostitute Alexis Wright, it is necessary to release the names of everyone who ever had sex with your wife, police announced earlier today.
Your wife has kept a careful and detailed record of all her sex partners since she was 13, said Captain Wes McEchearn of the Kennebunk Police Department.
The list, he said, is quite long.
“Well, there’s you, obviously. But you may or may not be surprised to learn that you are not the most recent entry,” said McEchearn, clarifying that by “you” he meant the exact person reading this article right now.
Among the “johns” he proceeded to list were your boss, your brother, your neighbor, your neighbor’s 17-year-old son, four members of the fire department (simultaneously), and Paul Jenkins, your accountant.
“And those are just the ones she added in the last couple of weeks,” said McEchearn, who then, for unknown reasons, high-fived the sergeant standing next to him.
Other noteworthy individuals who have boinked your bride include UMaine hockey coach Tim Whitehead, Angus King’s son, and independent U.S. Senate candidate/Ron Jeremy lookalike Andrew Ian Dodge.
Kennebunk police believe a judge will eventually force them to also release the names of Alexis Wright’s clients, but now that your pathetic inability to keep your wife happy at home is public knowledge, they’re banking that you won’t care as much.