Your Certified Accupants® Forecast

By Sardine Report meteorologist Trevor Noyes  

Tonight:  Try not to view the approaching storm clouds as a menacing dark threat.  Think of them as a soft, protective blanket that is arriving to issue a cleansing bath, refreshing your entire neighborhood with the purity of nature’s sweetness, allowing beads of water to gently drip down your lover’s soft skin as she dances delightedly and nakedly in the rain after covering herself with candle wax.  It works for me.  Lows in the 30’s.

Tomorrow:  If the rain gets you feeling down in the dumps, just remember: at least you don’t have cancer.  Wait… you do have cancer?  Well, to hell with you, then.  Highs in the 40’s.

Rest of the Week:  After the next few days, the town of Byron is going to pass an ordinance requiring everyone to carry umbrellas at all times.  Highs in the 40’s.