Adze

Come Get Some Of Our Sweet Adze

When you promote your business with adze from The Sardine Report, we guarantee results. That’s right,we said guarantee.

"You see my adze? I SAID LOOK AT MY ADZE, BITCH! You got nothin' on this... unless you email sardinereport@gmail.com right now. DON'T MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU WITH THIS THING!"

You don’t have to pay one red cent for your adze if your timber is not satisfactorily hollowed and your bark immaculately stripped.

Because we charge “per chop,” you do not have to worry about wasting money, or not knowing who, if anyone, is admiring your adze. You only pay when someone actually responds to its majestic swing or its razor-sharp cut.  Maximum efficiency is the key to success for any 19th-century lumber production outfit, yours included.

Not only that, but we include an option by which we can make your adze funny, if you like. This will draw even more attention to your business. Try getting that from the Bangor Daily Snooze!

Plus (that’s right, we’re not done with you yet, chump), the positioning of your adze depends entirely on you. If you want to hold it high, it’s a piece of pie.  If you want it down low, just let us know. Premium adze placement goes to the highest bidder, which could very easily be you, because we are extremely cheap.  In fact, we’re cheaper than a truck stop condom, but only half as brittle.

Intrigued? You sure as hell should be. To see a copy of our adze agreement form and begin promoting your business with the latest timber processing technology, email sardinereport@gmail.com right now.