Whitehead Disappears into Maine Woods

ROME – Former University of Maine men’s hockey coach Tim Whitehead has disappeared into the Maine woods, friends and family members confirmed late Wednesday.

Whitehead, who was fired Tuesday after 12 seasons with the Black Bears, held a press conference Wednesday morning, at the end of which he was heard to mutter something about “going to find that hermit’s place in Rome.”

He may have been referring to the encampment of Christopher Knight, who was arrested this week for more than 1,000 burglaries he allegedly committed while living for 27 years on his own in the woods near North Pond.

Years of practice being exceptionally quiet behind the Maine bench will serve Whitehead well as he attempts to track and kill game with his bare hands.

Authorities attempted to organize a search party for Whitehead before realizing nobody really has any interest in finding him.

“Coach Whitehead was a class act and a great mentor to many young athletes here at the University of Maine,” said UMaine President Paul Ferguson in a statement. “We wish him the best of luck fending for himself in the wilderness with real black bears.”

Joey Diamond, senior captain of this year’s squad, said he thought Whitehead would “make a great hermit,” particularly in light of the fact that he ought to be able to spruce up Knight’s digs a little bit with the $190,000 the university just handed him.

UMaine Athletic Director Steve Abbott agreed. “I think Tim will do well at keeping people away from him, just as he was able to keep top recruits away from Orono.”

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