Certified Accupants® forecast by Sardine Report meteorologist Trevor Noyes


It’s going to be a beautiful night for a walk on the beach, particularly Scarborough Beach, around 10 p.m., bring your own needles. I’ll be wearing a pink Speedo.

Low in the 50’s.


People always ask me if the wonderful fragrance I wear is a special brand of aftershave, and the answer is yes.  It’s called “Your Wife’s Vaginal Juices.” Highs in the 70’s. 

Rest of the Week:

Expect a solar eclipse to blot out all sunlight for most of Maine for a few hours sometime this weekend.  That’s assuming your Dodge Caravan somehow manages to get your fat ass to the top of Cadillac Mountain for your Overeaters Anonymous retreat.  Highs in the 60’s.
Behold! The art and science of meteorology:

Nutrition Information

The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
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