View from the Can

Sardine report editorial:

Doctors Can’t Wait to Shove Things Up Your Ass

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the very first Editorial published on The Sardine Report. We regret that we have to start with such an uncomfortable topic, but nothing great was ever accomplished without courage and/or heavy drinking.]

March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, which means various medical professionals have jammed airwaves and newspapers with public service announcements urging people over age 50 to get “screened.”

The word “screening” is a medical euphemism for “shoving a camera so far up your ass you can taste it.”

Why is this doctor smiling?

Let’s not fool ourselves. Behind their detached façade, these doctors are human beings.  Why should they care so much about checking your plumbing for polyps?  Are you really so important to society that your death must be temporarily avoided?

Face it:  They are salivating at the chance to spread your cheeks.

Not convinced?  Maybe, you say, they just want to collect a big fat check from your health insurance company.  Sure.  But you’re forgetting that there are lots of ways to make money with a medical degree.  You can put popsicle sticks on children’s tongues and force them to say “ah.”  You can splint sprained ankles and stitch up cuts.  You can deliver babies.

Or you can spend a career inserting cold metal objects into the personal orifices of partially sedated victims.

How is it that you can freely choose the latter and not end up in some kind of twelve-step program?

But the media glosses over all this.

Channel 5 newscaster Jim Morris admitted on the air during a March 22 newscast that he had a colonoscopy six years ago, and he didn’t mind it at all.  He called it “No big deal.”

Yeah, okay, Mr. Morris.  Maybe it’s no big deal to someone who is used to paying strangers for anal probing, but the rest of us would like to salvage some dignity in these last few years before we’re subjected to nursing home care, okay?

The medical establishment does not want us telling you this, of course.  On the Centers for Disease Control website, you learn that “Colorectal cancer screening saves lives. If everyone aged 50 years old or older were screened regularly, as many as 60% of deaths from this cancer could be avoided.”

What the CDC does not tell you:  A) Most of these people will die of heart disease or humiliation within a few years anyway, and B) We have telescopes that can spot a supernova six zillion light years from here, and crazy sound wave devices that can find a tiny penis on your hermaphroditic unborn child.  Why can’t we find a polyp on a goddamned colon from at least six yards away?

And, while we’re at it, how come the most advanced method we’ve come up with for a prostate exam involves a regular-old finger, the exact same finger used to pick noses since the dawn of humanity?  Is it because the medical establishment can’t bear to part with the thrill of seeing that look on your face as it dons that rubber glove?

So, the next time you see your doctor, you tell him or her where he or she can stick Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.  In the meantime, eat lots of fiber and canned fish, and hope for the best.




  1. Hahaha I personally know Jim Morris, Chuck! He’s my best friend’s dad!

  2. Uncle John says:


  3. why dont they have this screening with gay awareness month?hopefully there isnt a gay awareness month but if was why not it would be fabulous.
    asshole way to make money
    national fiber month hahaha

  4. When they say its a Digital Exam, I want you to know it doesn’t have anything to do with computers.

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The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
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