How To…

… Send a Care Package from Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Find something with a moose design on it.
Next, something with a maple leaf.
I know, that’s Canadian, but how many symbols are there?
Forget the real maple syrup.
Buy something in a plastic jar at the store made from chemicals and pour it into a cute, little glass jar.
Stick a bow on it.
No, gingham is better.
Get out a box.
Now, the bubble wrap.
Get a tiny bit of real maple syrup.
The kind you keep in the cupboard that’s too expensive so you just take it out to smell once in a while.
Pour a little bit out on the bubble wrap.
Just enough to get it sticky.
Now, wrap up your fake maple syrup.
Stick it in the box.
Get some handmade woolen hats or mittens.
Stick them in, too.
Do you have any blueberries?
Oh.
What about that little can that comes in the blueberry muffin package that’s made in China?
Still got one of those?
Sounds good.
Take it out.
Get out a Marks-a-lot.
Write Real Maine Blueberries on it.
Maybe make the “a” backwards to make it authentic.
Stick it in the care package.
Wrap everything up nice.
Go to the post office.
Mail your authentic New England care package to your friends in other parts of the country.
Stop off for a whoopie pie on the way home.
Decide you’re sick of those.
Go eat some Thai food instead.

… See the Northern Lights

By Rosalyn Rose

Check the calendar.
Wait.
A bit longer.
Cross off the days.
Get ready.
It’s finally here.
Stay up late.
Grab a beer.
Go outside.
Build a bonfire.
Invite your neighbors.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Sent the two guys who start fighting home.
Drink some more beer.
Drink all the beer.
Get a text from your city slicker friend who tells you how beautiful the lights are.
Realize living in the pine forests of Maine is not all it’s cracked up to be if you can’t see the horizon.
Get your chainsaw.
Cut yourself a view.
Cut one for your neighbor, too, while you’re at it.
Text your friend back.
Lie.
It was wicked better here without all that light pollution you have in town.
Wait til next year.

… Deal with Frozen Pipes

By Rosalyn Rose

Get out your blowtorch.
Put on appropriate headgear.
Crawl under your house.
Concentrate.
It takes a steady hand.
Oh.
Your house is on fire.
Get the kids outside.
Put down the phone.
No need to call 911.
Let the snow put the fire out.
Why bother the firemen?
Put the kids in the car.
Go to the store.
Buy bottled water.
Wait til April.
It’s only a couple months away.
Who needs a plumber?
You do, of course.
But, he’s kinda testy about your unpaid bill from last winter.
Call your cousin.
See if he wants houseguests.
When he says no, bring the kids back home.
Tell them it’s not your house anymore, it’s your new camp.
Pitch a tent in the livingroom.
They’ll never know the difference.

… Find a Church in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Walk down the street.
Look for a church that is stately.
Beautiful.
One that’s been around at least a hundred years.
Check to see what denomination it is.
Does it match yours?
Okay.
Go back on Sunday.
Step inside.
Sit in a pew.
Listen to an unfamiliar style of worship.
Be confused by the hymns.
Go back outside.
Check the words carved in stone on the side of the building.
Look up to read the sign out front.
Discover that being carved in stone is not what it used to be.
Realize a church over a hundred years old has probably changed hands at least ten times.
Go back inside.
Sit down.
Stay for the doughnuts afterward.
Is the coffee good?
Come back next Sunday.
It may be time to change your religion.
Where else can you get a free cup of coffee?

… Tell it’s a Warm Winter in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Look out the window.
Oh.
You can actually look out the window?
There’s not a snow drift in front of it?
The curtain’s not glued to the glass with ice?
There’s no blizzard blowing your car into the neighbor’s yard?
It might be a warm winter.
You’d better check.
What’s the temperature?
Is it above -15?
That’s a good sign.
Above 0?
Oh!
Definitely a good sign.
How many times have you gotten stuck in a ditch full of snow this year?
Only twice?
Sounds good.
How many times has your oil tank frozen up?
Just once?
Very good.
Now, drink a boiling hot cup of coffee.
Bundle up in your parka.
Run outside and enjoy the warm weather.
It’s a nice balmy 10 degrees outside!
(Don’t forget your suntan lotion. You might get a sunburn.)

… Use the Computer in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Put on your mittens.
Go out to the livingroom.
The fire’s out.
Add wood.
Sit down in the chair.
Open the computer.
Get back up.
Go out to the car.
Look in the glovebox.
Get the ice scraper.
Go back inside.
Sit down.
Scrape the ice off off the screen.
Get up.
Go to the kitchen.
Look in the cupboard.
Get a red Solo cup.
Sit back down.
Make a snow cone.