AUGUSTA – Rarely does an act of philanthropy feel this gratifying.
Here at the Sardine Report, we believe in the importance of modeling good citizenship by taking an important, yet under-publicized cause under our fin at least once per year.
This year, we are proud to be taking up a collection to fund a desperately needed back-alley rhinoplasty for Gov. Paul LePage.
Since we first announced the fundraiser on Facebook Wednesday, donations have poured in to the tune of about twenty bucks, an impressive total, but still a far cry from the several hundred dollars we’ll need to fix LePage’s schnozzle, since even his health insurance policy won’t cover a single dime.
Readers wishing to give to the cause can do so by clicking here. If you do not have a Paypal account, you can still use the same link to make a donation by credit card. Yes, the very same link. In case you missed it, here it is again. No amount is too small.
“Given the overall shape of the governor’s face, and taking into consideration his personality and his record of public service, it is absolutely medically necessary to increase the size of the governor’s nose by at least 60%,” said the best surgeon we cold find for the job, “Doctor” Kevin “Snips” Delguidice of Lewiston. “Don’to worry; it’s all perfectly safe.”
Delguidice, the top plastic surgeon in the entire state who is willing to perform this procedure for the amount of money we expect to raise, is one of his neighborhood’s leading authorities on nose augmentation, also called tiplasty.
“The governor’s nose will be in good hands,” assures Sardine Report Executive Editor and Publisher Juan Carlos Montel Noriega. “That is, if we can get Dr. Delguidice to lay off the monkey dust for a few days first so his hands don’t shake so much.”
Should the governor for some reason demonstrate a colossal lapse in judgment and decline the funds, the Sardine Report promises to divert them to another worthy cause.