‘Friggin’-A’ Officially Listed as Profane

‘Goddamn, That Sucks,’ Civil Libertarians Say

FAIRFIELD – Free speech advocates across the state howled in protest Tuesday after learning that the term “friggin-a” officially became a profane utterance in the eyes of Big Brother.

The decision was announced at about 8:30 a.m., when Mrs. Rossignol proclaimed the phrase off limits during all six sections of gym classes at Lawrence High School.

Reaction against the edict was swift and strong.

“The purpose of school is to prepare young people for the life they will encounter as adults,” said Zachary Heiden of the ACLU of Maine.  “How will they know how to behave in their rec basketball leagues or college intramural floor hockey games if they can’t even say ‘friggin’-a’ once in a while? I mean, Jesus, man.”

Mrs. Rossignol, known to students as "Dat Bitch."

Mrs. Rossignol, known to students as “Dat Bitch.”

Ninth and tenth-grade boys from Fairfield and surrounding towns were devastated by the news that they had lost another cuss word.

“What the hell are we supposed to say now, when we get pissed off at someone for losing the ball out of bounds?” asked Nathan Pease, 14, who said he used to enjoy physical education until he met Mrs. Rossignol.  “Next thing you know it will be ‘gee whiz’ and ‘yowzer,’ and then pretty soon we won’t be able to talk at all.”

Mrs. Rossignol declined a request for an interview for this article, but said in a letter to parents that “in order to promote an atmosphere of respect and safety for all, swearing of any kind will not be tolerated in my gymnasium as long as there are kids within earshot.”

Administrators said they could not comment on personnel issues, but Superintendent of Schools Dr. Dean Baker said that, generally, teachers are free to set their own disciplinary policies in the classroom, and students must learn to adjust.

“The last thing we need is for these little shits to think they can behave or talk however they want,” said Baker. “That’s certainly not what the real world is like.”

Baker went on to point out that “you don’t even hear the term ‘friggin’-a’ on cable TV, that’s how filthy it its.”

Webster’s Dictionary, clearly plummeting further into irrelevance with each passing day, offers no definition for the term “friggin’-a.”  It does say the verb “to frig” means “to copulate.”  The word came into use during the 16th century from the Middle English word “fryggen,” which meant “to wriggle.”  Webster’s notes that he term is “often used in the present participle as a meaningless intensive.”

Whatever the fuck that means.

 

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Comments

  1. Haha – thankfully this isn’t real! Zach would be much more nuanced with his use of profanity!

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