It Snowed Yesterday

AUGUSTA – According to numerous media reports, it snowed in Maine yesterday.

“Everything not covered by a roof of some sort seems to be buried a layer of cold, white, frozen water crystals mashed together,” observed Lois Tomlinson, 43, of Hallowell. “I’ve never seen anything like it. I hope every newspaper and TV station devotes all their resources to coverage of this amazing occurrence.”

… plow truck drivers put in long shifts, yadda, yadda, yadda…

Byproducts of the frozen precipitation included people getting into minor car accidents, people using shovels and plows, and children sledding and building snow sculptures, all of which were diligently documented by a hardworking corps of reporters and photographers.

Opinions on the precipitation were mixed, with some expressing enthusiasm for skiing or snowmobiling opportunities, and others frustration at having events canceled.  Reporters documented these opinions, as well, earnestly detailing the public’s feelings about the snowfall as if there might be some shred of originality in people’s insights on the issue.

Meanwhile, at the state capitol building, the absence of reporters allowed state legislators to receive nude therapeutic massage sessions from lobbyists right out in the open, for a change, instead of being cramped in their tiny offices.

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The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
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