Your Certified Accupants® Forecast

By Sardine Report meteorologist Trevor Noyes  

Tonight:  It will be cold, but not cold enough so that you couldn’t fry an egg on me having sex.  Lows in the teens.

Tomorrow:  Temperatures slightly above freezing will create perfect conditions for creating snow sculptures, as slight melting will make packing easier, and dropping afternoon temperatures will solidify your masterpiece for others to enjoy in posterity.  Just try not to be too much of a dweeb about it.  Highs in the 30s.

Rest of the Week:  Thor, the God of Thunder, awakes from his winter slumber to create instability in the atmosphere, but Dennis, the God of Low Pressure Systems, does not get the memo in time.  The result: Patriots 34, Texans 27.  Book it.  Done.  Guaranteed.  You heard it here!

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The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
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