AUGUSTA – Governor Paul LePage (R-idiculous) levied sharp criticism against his daily bowl of salad yesterday, and promised to slash his kitchen staff’s salad budget unless it starts to show the results he expects.
“The lettuce lobby has held us over a barrel for too long, preventing meaningful progress in the area of my waistline,” LePage told reporters at the State House. “The salad budget keeps going up and up every year, but why should we spend more money on a system that clearly isn’t working?”
LePage went on to reiterate support for tying salad purchases to weight loss achievement. “The more weight I lose, the more salad I’ll be willing to pay for,” he explained.
Bobbi-Jo Leeman, spokeshuman for the Maine Lettuce Association, predictably deflected blame for LePage’s fat ass. “We have it on good authority that the Governor eats a hoagie, three slices of pizza, two McDonald’s ‘value meals,’ an ice cream cone, and at least two Lewiston prostitutes every single day,” she said. “He cannot hold us exclusively responsible for the failings of a larger system.”
According to sources in the Blaine House kitchen, who asked not to be named because they are ashamed to work in the Blaine House kitchen, LePage adorns each bowl of salad with croutons, olives, Bacon Bits, M&M’s, and about two cups of ranch dressing.
LePage spokeshuman Adrienne Bennett dismissed these desperate and weak accusations. “We pay good money for our salads to do a very simple job, which is to make people thin and attractive. Maybe instead of covering up their failings, the powerful lobbyists working on behalf of leafy greens should try to do what’s best for the People of Maine.”