Maine Courts Open at Midnight for Doomed Marriages

PORTLAND – Courthouses across Maine opened at midnight last night so that married couples could request and/or file divorce papers as the state’s new gay marriage law took effect.

Citizens of Cumberland County wait in line for the chance to divorce at midnight on December 28, in response to the impact of Maine’s new same-sex marriage law that dooms the institution of marriage forever.

By 2:30 a.m., a line still stretched out the door at Cumberland County Superior Court, a startling illustration proving what opponents of the November referendum said all along, that the institution of marriage could survive being redefined for the 1287th time in the last 2,000 years.

“I was happily married until the referendum passed allowing same-sex marriage,” said Tom Wilson, an accountant who lives in South Portland. “But now that marriage has been diminished, I might as well start fucking one of the interns at my office. Or maybe several.”

Also waiting in line was Emma Cavanaugh, 28, of Westbrook. “I’m tired of living in a sham marriage,” she said. “Granted, I only realized it was a sham marriage yesterday, when I found out gays and lesbians would be legally marrying each other starting tonight. But still.”

At least a few of the people in line did not seem quite ready to go along with the prevailing opinion.  Murray LeCleire was one of them. “I’m just trying to stay as far away as I can from City Hall, where I’m told a vortex to the lair of Satan has just opened up.”




  1. If only we could recapture the happiness we felt on December 28, 2012.

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