WASHINGTON, D.C. – It took only about 45 minutes after his plane touched down in the Nation’s Capital for Senator-Elect Angus King of Maine, who campaigned as an independent with promises to stand up to special interests and beltway insiders, to become utterly corrupt, sources confirmed yesterday.
Speaking on condition of anonymity because they, too, are crooked as a state highway in Franklin County, congressional aides reported that King has already taken bribes from Goldman Sachs and several other major Wall Street firms. He has also cheated on his wife three times.
“On his first day of orientation, he went to a workshop called ‘How to Conceal Gifts From Lobbyists,” said one source. “It was all downhill from there.”
In fact, King has already surpassed Maine’s other senator, Republican Susan Collins, whose only known ethical blemish has been accepting 1750 gallons of hair dye from the cosmetics industry over the last nine years.
King’s spokeshuman, Crystal Canney, dismissed the reports as “nefarious rumors” and said the former governor treasures his “squeaky-clean” image and would “never do anything to undermine it,” unless the offer was really, really good.
“Everyone has a price,” she admitted.