Community Comes Together to Bail Asshole Out of Cancer or Something

Say what you want about people who go to bean suppers, but give ’em a camera, and they sure know how to capture people’s best sides.

DETROIT – A baked bean supper and silent auction was held Saturday at 6 p.m. at the Night Drifters Snowmobile Club on Route 220, to benefit local asshole Jeremy Spencer, who is battling cancer or something.

“Jeremy is a real dick who has been such a pain in the ass to this community over the years,” said club president Buck Verrill. “It’s great to see everyone willing to come out to support him so generously.”

Local officials agreed that Spencer, who was given a 50% chance to live after he probably spent 20 years trashing his liver with hard liquor and stolen prescriptions, deserves generous support to help with his medical bills or whatever.

“This is the time of year when our responsibility to help our neighbors really hits home,” said First Selecthuman Barbara Sturgeon. “We’re talking about a guy who has always been willing to neglect his child support payments and make unwelcome sexual advances to teenage girls and married women.  I can’t think of any bastard in this town more deserving of our help in his time of need.”

True to his nature, Spencer did not attend the fundraiser, but showed up at the end to claim the money.

“Rot in hell, suckers!” he told a misty-eyed crowd as he scooted out the door like he was avoiding the police.

Moments later, one woman was overheard saying, “That Jeremy is such a piece of shit, bless his heart. It makes giving selflessly feel that much more rewarding, just to know we’ve given him a better chance to overcome whatever the hell his problem is now.”

-30-

Advertisements

Comments

  1. kathie macchioni says:

    FINALLY. a fund raiser for someone who really really really does (not) need it. how refreshing. with any luck at all, he was mugged in the parking lot by some raccoons? if mean. why wear a mask if you aren’t going to rob people?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Nutrition Information

The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
Copyright 2012 The Sardine Report and Marsh Island Syndicate. All Rights Reserved.
%d bloggers like this: