DETROIT – A baked bean supper and silent auction was held Saturday at 6 p.m. at the Night Drifters Snowmobile Club on Route 220, to benefit local asshole Jeremy Spencer, who is battling cancer or something.
“Jeremy is a real dick who has been such a pain in the ass to this community over the years,” said club president Buck Verrill. “It’s great to see everyone willing to come out to support him so generously.”
Local officials agreed that Spencer, who was given a 50% chance to live after he probably spent 20 years trashing his liver with hard liquor and stolen prescriptions, deserves generous support to help with his medical bills or whatever.
“This is the time of year when our responsibility to help our neighbors really hits home,” said First Selecthuman Barbara Sturgeon. “We’re talking about a guy who has always been willing to neglect his child support payments and make unwelcome sexual advances to teenage girls and married women. I can’t think of any bastard in this town more deserving of our help in his time of need.”
True to his nature, Spencer did not attend the fundraiser, but showed up at the end to claim the money.
“Rot in hell, suckers!” he told a misty-eyed crowd as he scooted out the door like he was avoiding the police.
Moments later, one woman was overheard saying, “That Jeremy is such a piece of shit, bless his heart. It makes giving selflessly feel that much more rewarding, just to know we’ve given him a better chance to overcome whatever the hell his problem is now.”