Mainers Deeply Impressed with News Anchors they Never Watched

BANGOR – Imagining that their actions or words meant anything to anyone, WVII news anchors Cindy Michals and Tony Consiglio abruptly quit on the air during Tuesday’s 6 p.m. “newscast.”

“Recent developments have come to our attention, namely, that working here sucks,” said Michaels, explaining her decision to the dozen or so Channel 7 viewers scattered throughout the Bangor region.  “We don’t even get paid holidays.”

Consiglio added, “I’m going to pursue other interests, namely, finding a job where people are more likely to notice that I exist, like overnight janitor at a sewage treatment plant.”

“…And here’s something else, bitchez: I’ve got this laptop here to make me look busy and important, but I’ve really just been playing Farmville the whole time.”

Upon hearing the unexpected news, viewers were so stunned that they momentarily stopped chewing the last few bites of their Hot Pockets, wondering how they could possibly endure the stress of having somebody else read them summaries from the morning newspaper.

But lots of other people who had never seen a Channel 7 “newscast” were thoroughly impressed with the anchors’ chutzpah.

“It takes a lot of balls to pull something like that,” said 32-year-old Dennis Lawson of Brewer, who gets all of his news from Yahoo! “It’s nice to see there are people in the media with some backbone. Or were, I should say.”

Immediately after the broadcast, Channel 7’s Facebook page filled with supportive comments, such as, “Way to take a stand” and “Wow, you’ve even got a Facebook page.”

Despite Consiglio”s and Michaels’ insistence that anchoring the 3rd-rated news program in the 153rd largest television market in the U.S. somehow makes them relevant, industry analysts say we live in a meaningless universe where our actions ultimately amount, at best, to insignificant little waves of pleasure from empty masturbation. This harsh reality is most evident in two places: blogging and local TV.




  1. At least the Sardine Report was able to state that the anchors worked for Faux News. The Bangor Daily News somehow was unable to name the network of which this newscast originated from. Thank you for actually reporting.

  2. You deplore, we deride.

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