Your Certified Accupants® Forecast

By Sardine Report meteorologist Trevor Noyes  

Tonight:  This is such bullshit.  Why do I have to do a fall foliage report?  Foliage is not weather.  Leaves are not fucking precipitation.  I swear this job just makes me want to punch people in the face sometimes.  Lows in the 30s.

Tomorrow:  I said NO! I’m not doing it!  I didn’t spend $120,000 on a college degree so I could repeat some choppy little press release from those chronic masturbators at the Department of Forests and Fisheries, or whatever the fuck it is.  Let Kevin Mannix do the foliage report. Everything he says is boring, anyway.  Highs in the 50s.

Rest of the Week:  All right, dammit, fine.  Here’s your goddamn foliage report. Suck it:

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