Guest Column

My Heavens, Look at All Those Marvelous All-Terrain Vehicles!

By Rodney Cox

I must admit, rather infrequently am I able to venture forth from my comfortable cottage, tucked neatly along the Cardville Road in the charming hamlet of Greenbush, to visit the Big City.  Various and sundry hobbies and interests keep me occupied amongst the trees and stripped-down cars that characterize my humble environs.

But I do find it refreshing to come to Bangor every now and then, to take in the hustle and bustle of night life, and to — Oh, my HEAVENS!  Would you look at all those marvelous All-Terrain Vehicles!

Never have I seen such a splendid selection of personal outdoor motorized transportation devices!  Sweet Jesus, have I arrived at the Pearly Gates, bound for an eternity of pleasure exploring the boundlessness of nature atop one of these magnificent beasts, these pinnacle achievements of human engineering?

Whatever accident of fate led me to drive past this, the most splendid and stately small-engine dealership with an indescribably breathtaking assortment of sumptuous motorized offerings imaginable, I must remember to thank it for prompting me to reaffirm by belief in a benevolent, almighty deity.

My favorite?  The all-new 2013 Scrambler 850 H.O.  Its imposing stature, aggressive body lines, and purring 77 horsepower twin-cylinder engine remind me of summers spent lounging in the French Riviera during my misspent youth — reckless, but relaxed, without a care in the world.

Thanks to the well-tuned PVT clutch/transmission and electronic fuel injection system (E.F.I.) the high output, true 850cc engine on this beast is immediately available from zero RPM’s making this the perfect machine to conquer any trail.  The only downside is that it purrs so loudly that I can scarcely hear the podcast of NPR’s “In Tune By Ten,” even with the volume on my iPhone turned up all the way.

Of course, who could resist the 10.5-foot turning radius and 475 cc liquid-cooled OHV longitudinally mounted single-cylinder four-stroke engine on the classic 2012 Honda FourTrax Foreman 4×4, its direct front and rear driveshafts with TraxLok and torque-sensitive front differential calling to me like a beautiful maiden in silky lingerie, stirring my lust for power.

Noted scribe Jason Zittel of ATV Scene magazine described it this way: “Fuckin, right, Yeah!  Look at that sonofawhore go!  Whoooo!”

I could not have said it better myself.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must proceed into the dealership to dispense with a tiny portion of my immense personal fortune in order to acquire some of these latest models.

Toodle-oo!

-30-

 

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Comments

  1. Proof positive that the lower the IQ, the more gasoline it takes to entertain it…..

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