BIDDEFORD – Walter Dane, 34, of Clifford Street found himself involved in a sexual encounter for the first time in 9 years, thanks to fireworks he set off during a barbecue at a friend’s house Wednesday.
Witness accounts of the incident varied. One person said, “Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Another said, “Oh, my God.”
Police were called to the scene about 10:22 p.m. for a report of an intoxicated male receiving pity sex from a woman with enough tattoos to qualify her for acceptance into a tribe of Pacific island cannibals. Upon investigation, officers quickly determined that Mr. Dane was, in fact, getting laid because “he is so awesome,” with the bulk of his reputation credited to a fireworks display on which he had spent most of his weekly paycheck.
After completing copulation, Dane was treated by paramedics for third degree burns and four shredded fingers.