In This Age of Gender Equality, Still Not Nearly Enough Sperm Receptacles in State Legislature
When Mainers go to the polls this November to elect a new legislature, they have much to be proud of as they reflect on our state’s tradition of gender equity in politics. From Margaret Chase Smith to Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, Mainers have shown that we don’t mind sending a vagina to Washington as long as that vagina belongs to a Republican.
But if you look at the overall picture, there is still much progress to be made. Of the 151 current voting members of the Maine House of Representatives, only 36 pee sitting down. Same goes for only seven of the 35 State Senators (that figure includes Jonathan Courtney). That calculates to only 22.5% of our state legislators who would be qualified to dutifully slurp up the semen of their male counterparts when called upon to do so.
And when you factor in the lesbians, it’s even less.
So, as you prepare to cast your ballot, please be mindful of the fact that there are still not nearly enough sperm receptacles in the state legislature.
Where do people get off thinking the status quo is okay? Half the general population can make babies, but barely one-fifth of the government? It’s completely inexcusable.
What girl or young woman wants to visit the hallowed halls of her state government and see barely any sweetly curvaceous figures walking around in high heels as an example of what she could accomplish?
Some believe that there are fewer willy-washers seeking public office because they are not interested in joining a corrupt, dysfunctional environment dominated by men who primarily view them as sex objects. That’s absurd. What broad on Earth would not want to surround herself with a room full of erect penises?
We have achieved equality in other areas of life. Take athletics. This year, for the first time in history, the United States sent more cooches than cocks to the Olympics. What a milestone! It proves that, as a society, we have finally recognized that a superbly toned, athletic female body is just as marketable as a male one.
But contrary to what you may think, bitches are not just for bikinis. They are more than capable of governing just as well as the male establishment, or perhaps even better. As empathic creatures, they collaborate with skill and grace, particularly when two or more of them are working together with a male, as can be verified by watching any mainstream pornographic film. They understand how to make others happy, which is what government should be all about.
Besides, what are our poor male legislators supposed to do? Bring their wives to Augusta with them? Keep dragging Mary Mayhew back in for more hearings so they can fantasize about her shapely hips?
Get real, people.
With any luck, this election will result in a legislature that contains a whole lot more cum dumpsters than ever before.
From there, we could move on to addressing the shameful fact that Maine has never elected a governor with boobs.
Well, okay LePage has boobs, but you know what we mean. Real boobs. Nice big firm grapefruits, ideally.
Soon will come the day when we’ve elected a representative number of sperm-hungry whores to our highest political offices. Then we will we be able to say we’ve overcome primitive and patriarchal patterns of objectification to achieve true gender equality. When you slip your ballot into that dark slit come November 6, remember that you, too, could be part of that revolution.