WASHINGTON, D.C. – Since Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) announced in March that she would not seek re-election to the U.S. Senate, many have speculated on how she would spend her $2.36 million campaign war chest.
As it turns out, depleting her chest was the last thing she had on her mind.
Snowe revealed at a press conference Thursday that she had spent just over $2 million – roughly 85% of her campaign funds – on breast augmentation surgery.
“My lifelong dream, aside from serving the people of Maine to the best of my ability, has been to own a pair of melons that would make Dolly Parton jealous,” said Snowe. “I do believe I have accomplished that goal. I know it was expensive, but I wanted to make sure it was done right.”
Extreme factions of the Republican party reacted with immediate criticism. “At the very least, if she was going to have plastic surgery, it should have been a RINOplasty,” said Tea Party advocate and Senate candidate Andrew Ian Dodge.
Numerous conservative pundits pointed out that the funds were accumulated through donors who expected them to be spent for political purposes.
But some experts believe that is exactly what is going on.
Justin Popper, professor of Political Science at Bowdoin College, says Snowe’s implants may represent more than just a simple upgrade from the droopy dimples she had before. “This sets her up nicely for a run for governor in 2014,” Popper explains. “She already would have been the favorite to oust LePage in the primary, but now she’ll be totally unstoppable.”
Such a run would not be without precedent, Popper explained. “As we obviously proved in 1976 and in 2010, the people of Maine are more than happy to elect giant boobs for governor.”
Snowe was joined at the press conference by her husband, former governor John “Itch” McKernan, and her surgeon, Dr. Srini Hirimiglu, neither of whom were able to comment, being completely overcome with sheer giddiness.