AUGUSTA – Seeking to silence critics who alleged that he was both heartless and functionally illiterate, Gov. Paul LePage wrote a letter to Maine’s first-district representative Chellie Pingree, proving once and for all that he SO completely has the hots for her.
“You are a disgrace to the people of Maine,” wrote LePage. “I hope your cooties cause you to pass out and drown in the back of a dump truck full of goat turds.”
The governor was ostensibly responding to Pingree’s attempt to have the federal government block a bunch of MaineCare cuts or some confusing shit nobody has any clue about. But if you read between the lines, you can see he totally has a crush on her.
“Children at this developmental level will often treat each other harshly in an attempt to deny feelings of affection, either because they are uncomfortable with them or because they fear their peers will discover those feelings,” explained Dr. Linda Fiske, a child psychology professor at the University of New England. “Accusing Pingree of being a servant to Washington bureaucrats is classic code language for ‘I’d like to see you in your underwear.'”
When reminded that the letter was written by a grown adult, Fiske said, “The same principle applies in this case.”
Normally, politicians writing angry letters to each other about Supreme Court decisions does not make front-page news… unless one such letter reveals a tender heart throbbing with the hidden burning passion of a fantasy love life.
Sources close to both LePage and Pingree said they probably, like, hold hands and French kiss all the time in private and are going to someday get married and have babies together. Spokespersons from both sides deny this vehemently, but it is a known fact that the more emphatically you deny something, the truer it is.
Republicans downplayed the governor’s obvious hard-on for the congresswoman. Party chairman Charlie Webster said, “When he made that ‘Gestapo’ comment everyone thought he was teasing Jewish people because he secretly wanted to sit next to them on the bus. But it turns out he thought ‘Gestapo’ was some type of foreign ice cream that only liberals and hipsters like. So I’m sure pretty soon we’ll all realize that he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about in this case, either.”
But other observers remain unconvinced. The headline in yesterday’s Lewiston Sun Journal: “Paulie and Chellie Up in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
“LePage took the time to write a letter, and signed his name, ‘Love, Paul, with a smiley face,” the newspaper noted in an editorial. “Nobody actually writes a formal letter unless they are seriously and incurably in love.”