Your Certified Accupants® Forecast

By Sardine Report meteorologist Trevor Noyes  

Tonight:  If you go to bed early, you should miss most of the carnage, unless you are one of those namby-pamby light sleepers who gets woken up by sirens and trees falling over.  Wimp.  Lows in the 50’s.

Tomorrow:  Did you know that Maine has had about 14 inches of precipitation so far in 2012?  People often ask how we meteorologists measure such things.  Truth be told, I use my penis.  Highs in the 70’s.

Rest of the Week: While you’re out basking in a weekend full of gorgeous, sunny weather, relaxing at your camp or laying in the sand or doing whatever you do with your time off when the weather’s nice — burning trash in the backyard, maybe, I don’t know — don’t mind me, stuck in this stale forecast center, churning out forecasts day after day so you can plan your recreation while my soul whimpers through its last days.  Really, it’s fine, go have yourself a good time.  Highs in the 70’s.

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