Town Votes to Build 22 One-Room Schoolhouses

Failing to Enlighten Generations of Closed-Minded Ignoramuses Comes Back To Haunt Superintendent

WILTON – Inspired by the words of Selectman Hadley Miller, who railed against soaring budgets for “failing schools” and complained that education has “gone down the crapper” since he was a boy, residents voted Monday to demolish the local elementary school and replace it with 22 one-room schoolhouses.

“We’re supposed to raise almost a million dollars for this school and I’m telling you it’s a complete waste,” said Miller, 76. “You get kids graduating these days who can’t even string a goddamn sentence together.  I grew up in this town and we had a one-room school house and a teacher who didn’t take shit from anybody.  I might have got slapped across the wrist now and then, but I sure as hell learned how to read and write, by God.”

Wilton residents quietly approve $160,000 worth of new dump trucks and tractors for the town road crew just before rioting against the school budget.

Miller initially proposed building a single one-room school house, just like the one he went to when he was a kid. Voters embraced the idea by a 39-8 margin, but later had to rescind the vote after Superintendent of Schools Michael Cormier pointed out that such a facility would be a little crowded for Wilton’s 580 school-aged children.  They amended the vote to provide for 22 such schoolhouses, which will each contain about 30 students and one violent and ornery school marm earning $7,100 per year.

“It don’t take no college education to teach kids about fractions and lead the Pledge of Allegiance,” pointed out Ralph Finster, 61, of Magoun Road.

Cormier attempted to explain the necessity of budget increases. “The world has changed since the 1930s,” he argued. “We’re trying to help our kids compete globally, not just get them out the door so they can get a job at the local mill.”

He was interrupted by shouting and booing from the 47 people in attendance.  “Kids these days can’t compete worth shit. They sit around playing video games all day ’cause they ain’t got any homework, and then we pass them along anyway ’cause we don’t want to hurt their self esteem” said one woman. “When I was a kid I didn’t have anyone who gave a shit about my self-esteem, and I turned out just fine, ’cause I had to deal with hard knocks, like getting pregnant four times in high school.”

Demolition of the current school, combined with construction of 22 new ones to meet ADA requirements and other government regulations, will cost about $16.3 million.  Cormier muttered something about being “penny wise and pound foolish,” but nobody heard him.

School board member Donna Wood, one of the few to reject Miller’s proposal, complained that “the only people who care enough to come out and vote in this town are completely ignorant and closed-minded,” and said, “somebody should seriously do something about that.”




  1. sounds like this might be interesting I love how things are going in Maine right now.

  2. It’s for the kids.

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