Politician Promises Some Really Cool Stuff

Partisan Bickering All Republicans’ Fault

PORTLAND – Cynthia Dill, a Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, made some really cool promises in an MPBN interview Thursday, prompting her supporters to fantasize about how awesome it would be if we could immediately promote her to Empress of the World.

State Senator Cynthia Dill (D-Cape Elizabeth) vows to use her super-human strength and agility to beat the foes of liberty and justice into submission once elected to the U.S. Senate.

Appearing on “Maine Calling ” with Keith Shortall (a man of ambivalent height), the state senator from Cape Elizabeth, blamed the federal government’s financial woes on the war in Iraq, which she called “a huge mistake.”

“As a U.S. Senator, I will use my Chrono-Transmogrifier Machine to go back in time to prevent the Iraq War, the recession, and also the election of Paul LePage,” Dill told the public radio audience. “And I will strengthen Social Security and Medicare while making sure costs don’t get out of hand while still providing necessary supports for Maine families.”

A key moment in the interview came when Dill disagreed with Olympia Snowe’s assertion that both major parties are to blame for failures in government.

“Washington is broke because of the dysfunction of the Republican Party,” she said. “If elected, my Stealth Laser Death Ray will be able to vanquish the conservative forces of evil so that progressives may reign supreme over the halls of Congress.”

She added, “Obviously, all this partisan bickering is all the Republicans’ fault.”

Dill also said, “Democrats need to do some soul-searching and figure out what we really stand for, and then fight for it.” In other words: do what Republicans have been doing for the last 20 years.

Dill also criticized Independent candidate Angus King, whom she called “a man.”

Shortall took questions from MPBN’s diverse listening audience. Callers ranged from liberals who think Cynthia Dill is an epic hero to liberals who think Cynthia Dill is a brilliant leader who is right about everything.

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