Hammond Lumber Somehow Expects to Compete by Closing at Noon on Saturdays

BANGOR – With three big box warehouse home improvement chains located just a few minutes away, the people at Hammond Lumber Company seem to think that closing their stores right at the exact moment when most people are doing home improvement projects is somehow a good idea.

“Saturday is when I get shit done around the house,” said Garrett Wagner, 37, of Hermon. “It’s convenient for me to be able to run out and get some extra nails or PVC pipe or whatever, except that the store that happens to be closest to me is closed.”

Hammond Lumber is not open at all on Sundays, he added. “I don’t want to hear any bitching and moaning about not being able to compete with the prices at Home Depot and Lowe’s. They’re clearly doing okay if they can afford to take almost the whole goddamn weekend off.”

A spokesperson for Hammond Lumber said their store is geared toward the needs of professional contractors, so everyone else can go fuck themselves.

“We deliver truckloads of lumber and other building supplies to job sites by sunrise,” explained Hammond spokesman Steve Manford, “so if some sad-sack weekend warrior decides in the middle of the afternoon that he needs a new drill bit, we’re not going to fart around the store all day waiting for him.”

Dennis Suotte of Windham remains unconvinced. “If they’re just making money on deliveries, then why have a store at all?” he asked.

Suotte said dropped by the Portland store recently to pick up two-by-fours for his son’s tree house, but the store was closed. “Now the poor kid stays inside and plays World of Warcraft 18 hours a day.  He’s depressed and weights 240 pounds and is on all this medication. All because Hammond Lumber doesn’t care about the little guy. I hope they’re happy.”




  1. blame it on lepage……..!!? fukah…..

  2. john Lessner says:

    Well all i can say is 1) your an idiot…. 2) Idiots work at the BLowes and Homo Depot so you will be in good company…. 3) Hammond is a family business that cares about their employees and not working them intop the ground. I am a builder and proud that I can say that the sales and yard staff at Hammond are friends. Their customer service goes miles above the big boxes, in my business that means more than price…..

    • Thank you for your comment. Here at The Sardine Report, whenever somebody begins their criticism by saying “your an idiot,” and follows that up with a homophobic slur, you can be sure we take them seriously. However, we stand by our story. The article in no way implies that the customer service at Hammond Lumber is low-quality, only that some people think they should continue to offer that same outstanding customer service during what many people consider to be peak futzing-around-the-house time. Maybe they could cut one of the 900 TV and radio ads they run every week and hire an extra cashier or two, just to keep the place open on weekends for the little guy. That way, when they say “we’re here to serve you,” they don’t just mean “we’re here to serve people who spend at least $2000 a whack.”

      • John Lessner says:

        I’m thinking that instead of wasting your time on this blog that maybe you should be at Hammond ordering your materials. But that would be an assumption that you can think that far ahead.
        Maybe you could get up before 11am on Saturday and go get what you need. Even better give them a call as they offer free delivery within striking distance of there store.
        My question is why pick on Hammond? All local family owned lumber yards close at 12 on Sat. And closed on Sunday. Why single tgem out? If your going to run your mouth at least be fair about it.

  3. I like that the Sardine Report invites comments, but most readers know that it is Maine political/news satire (like Maine’s own version of The Onion), and not an opinion blog. You read it, laugh if it is funny, forward if you really enjoy it, and that’s it. If you really love their wit, send them some cash. If you don’t, stop reading. It’s not an editorial page.

  4. I’ve gotta laugh when I read comments from people here who are offended by the content. For those who haven’t figured it out by now, here’s the deal: The Sardine Report is satire. It’s comedy. The writer is an equal opportunity offender, just like the comics at a comedy club. Don’t take it seriously and don’t subscribe to it if you are easily offended.

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