Officials in Someplace Else Agree to Take Waste

SOMEPLACE ELSE – Controversies and protests about landfills across Maine came to a shuddering halt earlier today when Someplace Else officials announced they had agreed to take all of the state’s solid waste for basically nothing.

Gov. Paul LePage (center) meets with Someplace Else representative Harriet Elizabeth Cow (right) and U.S. Senator Susan Collins (left) to discuss plans for eliminating the need for landfills in Maine.

The Juniper Ridge landfill in Old Town, Crossroads landfill in Norridgewock, and Dolby landfill in Millinocket have all occupied headlines recently as people fight over money and expansions and toxic waste seeping into groundwater and all sorts of other problems that could all have been quickly and easily solved if we could just ship all the garbage to Someplace Else.

Now that dream is becoming a reality.  All of Maine’s landfills are expected to close tomorrow after an agreement resulting from several days of pleasant and polite negotiations between Gov. Paul LePage and Someplace Else Ambassador Harriet Elizabeth Cow, mediated by U.S. Sen. Susan Collins.

“Someplace Else is happy to bear the burden of Maine’s trash for a nominal fee,” proclaimed Cow.  “Let us take your gut-heavingly rank and foul-smelling waste, full of bizarre chemicals and non-biodegradable substances and biohazards from God-knows-where, and stuff them into the ground near our homes, so that we may build future sledding hills for our children, and our children’s children.”

Cow implored the people of Maine to continue their consumptive and wasteful lifestyles without guilt, noting several times that her people “don’t mind seagulls, really,” and “have never really been known for a strong sense of smell.”

The trash will be hauled away by Someplace Else Trucking Company and processed by Someplace Else Waste Management, Inc., with the extra business resulting in the creation of 200 new jobs in Someplace Else.  LePage pronounced the agreement “a great victory for the people of Maine” because it shows that we are “open for business,” even if that business is all done by companies from Someplace Else.

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