As Sunshine Warms Maine, Nubile Women Crave Your Sex

GORHAM – Birds twittering, crocuses poking up through the soil, and thousands of evidently horny girls wandering college campuses statewide are all sure signs of Springtime in Maine.

Persistent mud and the season’s first groggy mosquitoes serve as the only unpleasant aspects of an otherwise chipper and cheerful season of getting ready for gardening, Red Sox games, and being able to indiscriminately walk up to any female and instantly mate with her, knowing from her relatively skimpy attire that she is looking for some action.

“As we all know, choice of clothing is the foremost indicator of a woman’s desire get laid as soon as possible,” reports University of Southern Maine sociologist Lloyd Masterson. “Primitive bar-hopping neanderthals discovered this fact centuries ago, and it continues to be true today.”

New England women have the peculiar tradition of rejecting sex from October through April, as indicated by their habit of covering themselves from head to toe during that time period, explained Masterson.

Oooh, a skin-tight swimsuit... this one is clearly getting wet.

“But with this early Spring, they have mercifully shed their chastity coats and chastity scarves, opting instead for shorts and tank tops, sure signals that they are ready for the rut,” he said.

So what are you waiting for?  Now is the time for sexual conquests!  It’s open season!

Several young women interviewed for this article confirmed this conclusion.  “Yeah, right, it’s 80 degrees out, but I’m dressed this way because I want to have sex with you,” said Alyssa Lendgren, 21, of Gorham, rolling her eyes seductively.

“Go away,” said another unidentified lusty maiden, playing hard to get. “I’m going to call the police.”

There are a few fringe Feminists who somehow wander the streets freely, blabbering incoherently through their own spittle and publishing angry books and nonsensical blogs between bouts of psychosis, who make the absurd claim that a woman’s attire says nothing about her desire to have sex.

High-heeled boots, skirts, revealing necklines, or other provocative apparel may express a woman’s desire to feel attractive or sexy, but should not be taken as a green light to make moral judgments or aggressive sexual advances, they claim.

Ignore these deranged bitches.  If it weren’t for aggressive sexual advances aided by alcohol and slutty clothing, you never would have been born.

So go out there and find yourself some lady genitals.  If you play your cards right, you might even be able to satisfy their desires right on the grass, under the full moon, without even drugging her drink this time.




  1. great..spent all winter playing with wood….now you got me playing with it again!!!!

  2. There are certain truths which must be restricted to private conversations for fear of offending public opinion. Transparency in private conversation is dangerous enough in itself, but transparency in public discourse is STRENG VERBOTEN!

    I advise you to scrub this editorial ASAP.

  3. I realize you are trying to be funny, but I feel you’ve ventured into Rush Limbaugh territory here.

  4. You see? I warned you. You must hope that the the Slutgate uproar will divert Politicorrectitudinarian rage from your own malfeasance.

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