Columnist Figures He’ll Start Column With a Quote

Maybe if you got away from the midget porn every once in a while, you'd get some fresh ideas.

BRIDGTON – Facing another deadline and not feeling particularly inspired, Bridgton News columnist Stanley Ritson figured he might as well begin his next installment with a quote, sources reported Friday.

Having written twice in the last three months about the importance of open government and on the relevance of interscholastic sports in building community, Ritson said he needed something fresh to spark a new direction of creativity.

“I’ve always liked ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ by the Rolling Stones,” he muttered, quickly typing the part about how “Jumpin’ Jack Flash is a gas, gas, gas,” and wondering if he could somehow connect them to the energy crisis and how we all have to do our part.

When that failed to get the juices flowing, sources say Ritson, a mere hour away from his deadline, began to get agitated, but then reminded himself that he was once able to spew, in about 50 minutes, a full 500 words about the annoying features of his new wristwatch.

“And, if all else fails, I can write something about my grandchildren, using that tried and true theme about how time seems to pass more quickly as you get older,” he said.

“God forbid the town of Bridgdon would have go a week without a fresh installment of ‘Views on the News,'” teased Sports Editor Hank Ravitch, as he observed Ritson staring at his blank computer screen. “They might have to figure out for themselves that watching paint dry maybe isn’t so boring after all.”

Just then, the Pink Floyd song “Time” popped into Ritson’s head, and his fingers took off, quickly pounding out another prize-worthy masterpiece.



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