Guest Column

I Can’t Believe You Guys Fell for That Shit

By Sen. Olympia J. Snowe

My fellow citizens:

Oh, man.  You should have seen the looks on your faces.  I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.

You totally thought I was actually not going back for another term in the Senate, didn’t you?  Come on, admit it.

I saw the shock in your eyes, the denial, and then the mad piranha scramble to get new candidates on the ballot.

I wish I had video of you beheaded chickens running around, trying to gather signatures without accidentally bonking into each other like the Three Stooges.


The best part was when I trumped up that phony excuse about being sick of all the partisanship.  I can’t believe you guys fell for that shit.

A bunch of you got all weepy, wondering whatever happened to all the great statesmen, and what has become of the G.O.P., and wah, wah, wah.

But I notice that this apparently sad state of affairs didn’t prevent about 170 of you from jockeying to try to take my place.  You people were submitting paperwork faster than Newt’s divorce lawyer.

Me? Leave the Senate?  Ha!  In your dreams.  Cushiest job I’ve ever had.  Can you name one tangible thing I’ve accomplished in 17 years there?  (Other than punking your asses just now, of course).  No, you can’t.  I don’t even show up for most of the votes.  But you were all set to send me back, anyway.  Why would I want to leave a job like that?

And even if I did retire, did you really think I’d leave so little time for my party to find a nominee who wasn’t a pathetic imbecile?  I’d almost be insulted if it wasn’t so hilarious.  You must have thought I was ready to give the seat away to the Democrats as part of some overzealous compromise.

Wow.  It just occurred to me that this is going down as one of the greatest pranks in the history of American politics.  How does it feel to be on the loser end of that?

This is even better than that time I told George Bush he had toilet paper on his shoe, or all those times I cast meaningless votes for gay rights or freedom of choice, just to get under the skin of those tea party nut jobs.

In closing, I would like to say: Get a grip, people: I’m not going anywhere.  I remain honored and committed to serving the people of Maine, if for no other reason than they are so damn gullible it kills me to not take advantage of it once in a while.

Olympia Snowe is the senior senator from the State of Maine, and a noted prankster.




  1. I agree that Snowe was on her way out next election and it’s time for Michaud to pack his lazy-ass bags, too.

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