Low-Achieving Schools Happy to Dump Nerds

AUGUSTA – Administrators in underperforming school districts across the state expressed gratitude to the LePage administration Tuesday for its school choice proposal that they expect will help them get rid of most of their nerds.

“All those little dweebs who keep getting stuffed into lockers are such a pain in the ass,” said Lubec Consolidated School principal Tina Wormell. “With school choice, they’ll become somebody else’s problem.”

Wormell and other low-income school administrators demonstrated their support for the proposed reforms at a “town hall” style meeting with Commissioner of Education Stephen Bowen.

"... and that is why we members of the Class of 2003 deserve senior privileges, and I... oh, wait -- where am I?"

“Our goal is for high-achieving students to flee these far-flung rural schools, leaving them for the kids who plan to pull lobster traps or cut timber the rest of their lives,” said Bowen. “Then, those schools’ scores will plummet, they’ll lose funding under the No Child Left Behind law, and we’ll eventually be able to shut them the fuck down.  It’s a win-win for everybody.”

Ted Finn, principal of Lake Region High School in Naples, said he would be “quite pleased” to be put out of his misery.  His school is already on the state’s list of the ten most underperforming schools, and his job would be at risk under NCLB if things don’t improve.

“I say let the nerds go to Windham, if they think it’s so much better there,” said Finn. “Their high test scores are only helping us tread water and prolonging the inevitable. The best I can hope for is to spend the last couple of years of my career not having to sniff their body odor, like when I’m handing out scholarships at Class Night.”

Some skeptics in the audience raised concerns that not enough nerds would switch schools, particularly in rural areas, where transportation could be a problem.

“Trust me,” said Regina Campbell, principal at Carrabec High School in North Anson, “the nerds at our school are miserable.  They would hitchhike every day if they had to, just to get to Skowhegan, or to a fucking Somalian refugee camp, or just about any place that isn’t our miserable shithole of a school.”

When one person asked if it might be better policy to support low-achieving schools in better serving all their students, including the nerds, everyone in the room had a good laugh.  Bowen said he nearly wet himself (though sources in the administration later indicated that is often a problem for him when he stays up past his bedtime).

“Seriously,” said Bowen, wiping tears from his eyes, “the teachers at these awful schools have enough to worry about without having to figure out how to intellectually challenge a few random savants who happen to suffer the misfortune of growing up in East Bumfuck.”

He went on to explain that nerd-less low-achieving schools, in the short time they have left, can lower standards. That way, the statewide graduation rate looks good, and more jocks can remain eligible to play sports, “so they have something glorious to look back on while they spend the next 40 years of their lives looking for work.”




  1. I’m sure this article has a point, but I’m not sure what it is—argument for maintaining the status quo?

    Mind you, I recognize that’s intended as satire—the prodigious deployment of the Infamous F-Word clearly qualifies it as such according to contemporary literary standards.

    • If Frary thinks that use of the F-bomb is what qualifies a piece as satire, let us hope this intellectual giant has abandoned any dreams of ever holding political office.

  2. I agree with everything you wrote, and not tongue in cheek. Government has no business trying to obstruct entropy – let the decay reach its climax so something new can blossom.

  3. having never been stuffed in a locker, i agree with your choice of getting rid of the show offs. i mean, have you even TASTED the candy named after them? it’s gross.

  4. I’m glad they will be leaving something behind for the kids who plan to pull lobster traps or cut tumber for the rest of their lives, cuz the high-achievers might someday be wanting the lobsters to impress their summer guests, and the timber to have their McMansions built for them…that is, if they can find lucrative employment after they receive their liberal arts degree.

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