Romney’s Cousin’s Secretary’s Nephew to Visit Maine

PORTLAND – The Romney campaign made a strong statement today about the importance of the Maine GOP Caucuses by announcing that John Falvey, the candidate’s cousin’s secretary’s nephew, will hold a rally in the Old Port next month.

“Maine has the potential to be a key state in the electoral process,” patronized Romney campaign manager Beth Myers.  “Even though we will have the nomination in hand by February because all the other Republican candidates are boobs, we must establish ourselves in Maine for… uh… the general election.”

Because Maine can split its two electoral votes, there’s maybe a 2% chance of Romney grabbing the one vote out of Northern Maine that could make the difference in the election, Myers explained.

“We just want to have all our bases covered,” she said, “even the seemingly irrelevant ones.”

Lawrence Talbert, a political science professor at the University of Southern Maine, said that Maine has never figured prominently into the Presidential electoral process, but the Romney campaign’s decision to send a high-profile representative to Portland for a couple of hours is a signal that 2012 could be different.

“I’m sure Mr. Falvey will leave a lasting impression Maine voters,” said Talbert. “The last time we had a political operative of his influence visit here was when Vice President Gore gave a speech in Bangor in 1995.”

Falvey, a 21-year-old Business Administration major at Clark University in Worcester, is expected to provide a significant boost for his aunt’s boss’s cousin’s chances of winning the nomination.

John Falvey (center), pictured at a recent rally in Burlington, VT, with what are presumed to be armed Secret Service escorts.

Security will be tight for his visit, and his exact itinerary has not been disclosed. However, sources speaking anonymously said Falvey plans to “hang out” at a friend’s apartment “all evening” February 4,  greeting any potential voters who happen to be there while they wait for pizza to be delivered.

Then Falvey intends to tour local Old Port establishments, gaining an appreciation for the difficult economic climate while gradually increasing his level of inebriation in order to gain an appreciation for the perspective of the average Mainer.

Then he reportedly intends to “get the hell back to Massachusetts” before someone “tries to inbreed” in his presence.

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