With Your Help We Can Reach Our Unrealistic $10 Goal
Here at The Sardine Report, we’re just trying to make it in this crazy world, like everyone else. That’s why, as the holiday season envelops us all in a thick fog of neediness , we thought this would be the best time to ask for your financial support.
Okay. Your incredulous and dismissive response is not entirely unexpected. That is why we’ll go ahead and call this our Annual “You’ve Got to be Shitting Me” Fundraising Drive.
Basically, we figure if we ask each of our regular readers to give us $5 or whatever, we’ll have enough money to continue bringing you all the breaking news and compelling analysis you need to stay informed of–
Right. Your statement “no fucking way” indicates that perhaps you question the fiscal value of the service we provide. Maybe we should remind you that we broke the story of the Bob Marley murder. We were first to inform you that the Maine Tea Party was protesting along the Mexico-Rumford border. Do you think the lamestream media had anything on the giant Susan Collins robot gone berzerk?
Okay, it’s the LePage orgasm thing still, isn’t it? Alright, then. We officially apologize to all those we offended by suggesting the governor gets sexual stimulation from watching protesters get pepper sprayed. Maybe that post had a little Too Much Information. (Although, we should point out that we did leave a lot of stuff out. Like the odor. Turns out the governor’s semen smells like paper mill emissions. At least you didn’t have to read about that, so count yourself lucky.)
Anyway, if it will make you happy, then fine: we were wrong about all of that. Let’s set the record straight: Governor LePage gets no satisfaction of any sort from the abuse of people exercising their First Amendment rights. Rather, he is a completely asexual being who is not subject to normal human impulses like libido. In fact, he’s totally impotent. Truth be told, he couldn’t get an erection from an army of Lewiston call girls, though Lord knows he’s tried.
There. Are you happy now? Good. Please use the “donate” button above to send us a measly $5 so we can continue to rock your world. Then keep an eye on the meter to the left to see how close we’re getting to our overall fundraising goal of $10.