LePage Sees Pepper Spray Video, Ejaculates

AUGUSTA – Gov. Paul LePage reached sudden and involuntary sexual climax today as he viewed footage of Occupy protestors being pepper sprayed by police, according to witnesses.

Aides rushed to stand in front of the governor as the embarrassing ejaculation became apparent to reporters in the room.

This would be the governor's "O" face.

The incident started when the media followed LePage to his car after a meeting at the capitol building. Glen Adams of the Associated Press asked the governor for his opinion on the pepper spraying incident at the University of California-Davis. LePage said he had not seen the video, at which point Adams pulled out his iPad and showed it to him.

“I think it must have been about 15 or 20 seconds [into the video] when I heard this low grunt, and then a deep sigh,” said one witness, who asked not to be identified. “It was unmistakable.”

LePage’s entourage rushed into action, quickly surrounding the governor and whisking him away “for a bathroom break.”

“It was as if they had practiced for this,” said another witness.

Later, LePage’s spokeshuman, Adrienne Bennett, said she hoped the incident would not be “misinterpreted” in the media.

She said she could “neither confirm nor deny” that the governor blew his wad at the sight of unarmed, passive college students being impassively drenched in a chemical typically used on combative criminal suspects, “but I will tell you that the governor has a tremendous love for the First Amendment and was deeply moved by the, uh, courage shown in that video.”

She also said she could “neither confirm nor deny” rumors that LePage arranged for nine Occupy Augusta protesters to be arrested outside the Blaine House during bi-annual “special alone time” with his wife.

Colby College historian Simon Rauch said this incident marks the fastest public orgasm in Maine gubernatorial history, edging out the 32-seconds it took for Angus King to inseminate his pants in 1997 when he learned Steve Jobs would be visiting Maine to support the laptop program.

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Comments

  1. This is a disgusting story and whoever wrote it should be ashamed of debasing not only the Governor but embarrasing the public at large. It’s the acceptance of this filth disguised as a news article that we are in the state we are in nationwide. When will you ever get over the fact that he ran and won… and even his detractors are now begrudgingly admitting he is doing a pretty good job..

  2. Brian Smith says:

    This writer is a pig.

  3. Best article I have seen in a long time, he can run around like a tyrant, accept money from the Gov’t he sues on health care reform for health care, takes money for jobs to be created when he says there is plenty of them. A character like this I am sure didn’t blow his wad, he probably fired a blank because he didn’t know if he needed a permit for his assembly.

  4. Ewe…Paul LePage is such a cochon.

  5. Michael Grace says:

    David: you are an asshole. You haven’t a clue how badly Maine needs a leader like Governor Lepage after nearly 40 years of demonrat, socialist rule. And you know him well enough to knwo that he fired a blank? Are you his bitch?

  6. It’s not very funny. Certainly along the lines of infant potty talk than well-thought satire. I didn’t vote for Paul LePage, but I want him to succeed, so that the people of Maine can get ahead. I think it’s time to accept that he was elected fair and square, and move on – even if it is to the next election. But until then, try to be a bit more creative when characterizing an individual you do not like. That is, if you are able.

  7. Absolutely brilliant…about time we had some truly hysterical stuff to read that is made right here in Maine! Keep up the good work..love it!

  8. I have no objection to someone writing an op-ed piece that puts the governor or anyone else for that matter in a negative light. What I object to is the disgusting way in which this author portrayed the Governor in such a sexual and offensive way. I’m not a prude by anyone’s stretch of the imagination but this went way over the line of decency. We should all be embarrassed that we would think that this is somehow funny. I’ve had my own issues with the governor but I would not say in private what the author so brazenly was willing to say in public. If someone has issues with the governor, and many do…, they should confront him on the issues in a civil manner. The descriptive words used in this piece are over the top and insulting to anyone with a brain. It’s not funny and it certainly does make one wonder if the author is on the sex offender registry. Where does it stop?

    • You are way over the top suggesting that the author may on the sex offender registry because of this piece. That suggestion I find to be far more offensive than an article with a distinct humorous overtone. Someone making a joke with a humorous article is very different than potential slander. I find your suggestion offensive, potentially slanderous and out of line. I suggest that you stop reading posts on this blog if you become so offended and irate that it results in statements such as these. Perhaps you should stick with the Farmer’s Almanac, Good Housekeeping and Sewing Today.

      • Dear Brian, I’M OVER THE TOP? Are you kidding me? This unidentified author describes in explicit detail a sexual reaction of the Governor of this great state and you find that HUMOROUS? I did not SAY this person was a sex offender but you would have to agree that his or her mind is unusually focused on the sexual practices of the Governor. I find it ironic that you would defend such a sexually explicit message and yet be offended by my comments. I am entitled to be offended and trust me, I wish I had never seen this article but it was posted by a friend of mine on FB and that is the only reason I saw it at all. I am so disgusted by the state of disrespect and muck raking in the political arena that I avoid the news at all costs. This one showed up on my doorstep uninvited. And FYI, there was nothing humorous about this article, it was purely written to appeal to the purient interests of those who would slander the Governor for no particular reason other than they can. And finally, I do not have time to read magazines… I own my own business and I’m too busy trying to make a living here in Maine and that is no easy task considering the business climate and the recession. This Governor is doing his best to get business going again in Maine.. perhaps your energy would be better spent if you were to support those efforts rather than insulting me with your feigned indignation.

  9. Gross. I know what NOT to read in the future. Unintelligent. Not funny. Downright stupid.

  10. LightenUp says:

    This article just made my Friday morning. What a riot! Thank you!

  11. Reality Chk says:

    Congratulations on this article. It actually raised the hackles of some people who think Maine has a governor instead of that 7th grader that was left behind when the field trip bus left.

  12. Sydney Taber says:

    Spoiler alert! The Sardine Report is satire or humor, not an actual news site. So to those of you who came here thinking you were actually going to be reading news, are you that clueless? To those who came here, to show their outrage, the article hardly does justice to the crude, rude, buffoon Paul LePage. It is not subtle but the piece does create a vivid picture, and as satire should, provokes some thought, cringing, laughs, and outrage. I’d say it hit the mark precisely because of that imagery. One can see people like LePage and all the others who love to use their own careless language and actions to injure or abuse those who don’t have power or money, whacking off as they watch such images of power crushing dissent.

    Those who consider this piece some sort of insult to the office of governor and an embarrassment to the state have apparently not been listening to the governor. all on his own, he did that job on the office of governor and the public image of Mainers. Or else they approve of his use of language to deride and abuse large swathes of the population as well as his uncaring attitude to those without power or money.

    As for confronting the governor in a civil manner in order to discuss objections to policy, who are you kidding? The man loves himself and his sycophants and deplores anyone else. Those who have policy differences or citizens who question him and disagree with him don’t fare so well. Recently, after meeting with State Senator Andy O’Brien and several unemployed Maine citizens on the unemployment issue, the governor’s response was that it was bullshit. That’s him in a nutshell – provocative language, dismissal of real concerns, and ruthless two-year old indignation wrapped up in one large and very unattractive piece of flesh.

Trackbacks

  1. […] post, dated Nov. 28 (you can find it here) is clearly fictitious but its words depict an image of Gov. Paul LePage ejaculating after […]

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