Hackers Seize Control of New BIW Naval Weapon
BATH – The new Susan Collins R-619 Submarine Stomping Robot, unveiled last week at Bath Iron Works, has been hacked and commandeered by an unknown evildoer, military officials admitted today.
The robot was last seen wading into the Atlantic, as it was designed to do. It searched the Gulf of Maine for submarines for three days before naval controllers suddenly lost contact with it.
Ten minutes later, Admiral James Winnefeld, highest ranking officer in the Navy, received a ransom note by email, which read, simply, “Provide $500 million in unmarked bills or this RINO will start charging endangered whales.”
Standing 175 feet tall and weighing 900 tons, experts say the $70 million robot is all but indestructible, as bullets, missiles, and even rumors of lesbianism fail to penetrate its iron skin.
“This robot has the capacity to inflict serious damage to major cities, factories, and infrastructure if someone doesn’t do something, fast,” said BIW spokesman Jim DeMartini. “Oh, my God, what have we done?”
State Police commissioner held a press conference to announce, “Now would be an ideal time for someone with a cape or whatever to suddenly realize for whom this sounds like a job.”
Meanwhile, authorities are pleading with the public to provide any leads as to the identity or intent of the hackers. “Lives may be at stake,” said Winnefeld. “If you know someone with advanced computer skills who has taken a sudden interest in politics or vice-versa, please call 9-1-1 immediately.”
Technology experts say the robot was probably taken over as a prank, and will be eventually returned to Naval control once the offending juvenile offender is no longer able to derive amusement from using a replica of a powerful political figure to destroy entire civilizations.
But some believe whoever is behind this plot has more nefarious intentions.
“What if it joins the Occupy Wall Street movement?” said Charlie Webster, chair of the Maine Republican Party. “Then the police will never be able to clean up those freeloading hippies.”
Other conservative leaders fear the robot will wind up in Washington trying to impersonate its namesake and introduce progressive legislation.
The real life Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) issued a statement, saying, “Have no fear, good citizens. This robot was programmed with my influence in mind, meaning it will serve the people of Maine proudly, and will never harm the people of Maine unless it is for their own good and they are not paying attention.”
The Sardine Report will continue to monitor this story as it develops.