Man Arrested for, You Know, The Usual Stuff

By Yawn Gagne, Bangor Deadly Snooze

BREWER – Police arrested an Eddington man last night for basically the same kind of mundane shit anyone gets arrested for around here, really.

Todd Luce, 23, was taken into custody after neighbors reported he was on bath salts, or drinking and driving, shoplifting or probably something along those lines.

This probably is not Todd Luce, but it might as well be, for all you care.

Maybe he was shoplifting bath salts while drunk driving. That would be different.

Let’s face it – the crime beat around here sucks. It’s always the same “man bites ER nurse” and “woman attacks husband with putty knife” mumbo jumbo. It all blends together after a while. If I have to read one more police report about a naked man screaming in the street at 2 a.m. , I’m going to start screaming, myself.

I’ve told my editor all of this, but he keeps saying I’ve got to pay my dues. Easy for him to say. Crime hadn’t been invented yet when he broke into journalism.

Ha! Did you see what I did there? “Broke into journalism.” God, I’m so bored.

Anyway, Luce probably plead guilty or no contest or whatever, but it won’t matter. His trial isn’t for like another 17 months, and nobody’s going to remember him, anyway.

Just like me.

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