Guest Column

Watch Out for Freeloading Brats this Halloween

By Charlie Summers, Maine Secretary of State

I would like to remind Maine drivers to be particularly alert on the evening of Monday, October 31, when many kids will be trick-or-treating for Halloween. Motorists should slow down in residential areas and keep an eye out for freeloading panhandlers in the roadway.

It can be difficult to see children on Halloween, especially if they are wearing dark-colored costumes. That is why you should slow down and take careful aim. These little vampire-wanna-be’s and their bleeding heart parents need to learn that you have to work for what you get, and that only the strong, alert, and extremely quick survive.

Recent weather has also created ideal “black ice” conditions. Drivers should remain alert for sections of road that look wet, so as not to miss an opportunity to “accidentally” careen into a gang of future welfare recipients demanding free hand-outs from unsuspecting citizens.

Those who are attending Halloween parties: please celebrate responsibly. If you plan to drink, make sure you have arranged for a safe ride home with a designated driver, sober friend or family member, taxi cab service, or any other person willing and able to rid the world of a few sugar-hyped, entitled brats.

If you believe a person may be impaired while driving, don’t hesitate to contact local law enforcement. And while you have them on the phone, be sure to tell them a group of Occupy [your town name here] protesters is going around harassing neighborhood residents and probably needs to be tear gassed.

Parents: when and if you get home, check the candy to make sure it has not been tampered with. This is especially important if you got lost and ended up trick-or-treating in a liberal neighborhood or at Stephen King’s house; it is more than likely that your child was given pot brownies or licorice laced with LSD.

Working together, we can make this Halloween a safe and enjoyable one for all those who share my political beliefs.

-30-

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Comments

  1. Happy Sugar-Based Entitlement Day!

  2. Waiting for Charlie Webster to send out a follow-up, demanding that these potential non-resident students show proper documentation before they are given their Snicker bars.

  3. And watch out for freeloading BATS also! It’s better to give blood at the blood bank.

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