LEWISTON – City Manager Edward Barrett said that experience was the primary consideration in his search for a new police chief, which concluded yesterday when he announced the hiring of former Red Sox manager Terry Francona.
“I could think of no better candidate to oversee our bumbling, corrupt police force and its Bermuda Triangle evidence locker than Terry Francona,” said Barrett. “He has the proven track record of impotence that we’re looking for in carrying on our tradition of startling, inexplicable failure.”
The Lewiston media grilled Francona at yesterday’s press conference, challenging him to explain whether his pain killer addiction is severe enough to qualify him to screw up at least as well as the last chief, Michael Bussiere, who resigned in shame after an assault suspect was successfully prosecuted last month.
Reporters also questioned whether police officers eating fried chicken and playing video games on the job would compromise their focus on accepting bribes from future casino owners. Francona said he would likely handle those issues himself, since he has experience dealing with Lackeys.
“You know what, it’s my job to go out there and make sure these guys turn the page. We don’t need to focus on the past, but at the end of the day, that falls on me,” said Francona. “I’m excited to have this opportunity and I can’t wait to get started.”
Barrett said he and Francona will work closely to bring in overpriced officers from Detroit and New Orleans to continue Lewiston’s proud tradition of blight and indifference. “We’re going to do what it takes,” said Francona, even if that means outspending their arch-rival in Manchester, NH and trading all their police academy draft picks.