Poll: Busy, Forgetful People to Retain Citizenship

Disorganized Slackers Face Deportation

AUGUSTA – Despite the efforts of senior citizens, Republicans, and other people just farting around with nothing important to do, busy and forgetful people will remain legal citizens after a prevailing “Yes” vote on Question 1 November 8, if the results of a new poll hold true.

The Sardine Report phoned 500 likely voters and asked if they “plan to allow single parents,  medical residents, construction flaggers, substance abusers, and other busy or forgetful people to remain legal citizens of Maine by voting ‘Yes’ on Question 1.”

A whopping 43% responded in the affirmative; 2% said “no,” and 55% said, “I can’t talk right now, I’ve got to get the kids to bed and then finish a report due tomorrow.”

Emily Haskell, 78, of Burnham says people who can't get to their town office during normal business hours at least 2 days before an election are probably irresponsible hippies and do not deserve a voice in our representative government.

Emily Haskell of Burnham, a 78-year-old lady who updates her checkbook ledger in the grocery line while everyone else’s ice cream melts, discredited the poll, saying it “obviously favors those young whippersnappers with their pagers.”

But Question 1 proponents could hardly contain their excitement over the poll results.

“We are anticipating a great victory for… uh… what was I talking about?” said Yes on 1 spokeshuman Don Larochelle. “Ah, shit, I left my headlights on.”

Question 1 looks to repeal a new law that requires everyone to have foresight, free time, and organizational skills in order to remain legal Maine citizens. Those failing to meet those qualifications would be deported to Vermont.

Bob Clarkson, 82, goes to his town office very year to register to vote, even though he has lived in the same house in Bradford for 47 years, so he can chat with the town clerk for 45 minutes about his grandchildren, NASCAR, and other pointless minutiae that normal people don’t have time for.

“I take my duties as a citizen seriously,” says Clarkson. “If other people don’t have time to register in advance, then to hell with ’em.”

Sonia Eckert, Professor of Political Science at Bates College, said that parents with kids in daycare, shift workers, students, and “other lowlifes who don’t have their shit together, for whatever reason” are the ones most likely to be adversely impacted if Question 1 fails.

“In other words, basically anyone who’s not Republican,” she said.




  1. *Slow Clap*

  2. watch out for that clap Brett dangerous shit

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