BRUNSWICK – Someone driving a car with Massachusetts plates really should know better than to slow down and almost stop on an interstate on-ramp, a comprehensive academic study has found.
The new findings, to be published next week in the venerable Journal of Get the Fuck Out of the Way, Asshole, confirm the suspicions of many academics who had already suspected that people from the Bay State really should have better driving skills, considering the roads and traffic issues they have to navigate.
“It’s amazing this guy hasn’t been shot yet, driving like this,” said study co-author Mark Frieze, Professor of Sociology at Bowdoin College, who offered the media an example of one case study while attempting to join traffic on I-95 South at the Topsham exit.
Frieze explained that on-ramps are designed to allow traffic getting onto the highway time to accumulate the necessary speed to merge without causing a dangerous disruption to the flow of traffic, a principle he articulated to the Massachusetts driver with two long blasts of his horn.
“How many goddamn on ramps are there in Massachusetts, like, a gazillion?” the study states. “I’d hate to be that guy’s insurance company.”
Emerson Thibault, spokesman for the Maine Department of Transportation, confirmed that even if traffic won’t yield for a merging vehicle, that vehicle is “better off maintaining speed in the breakdown lane than stopping at the end of an on-ramp, unless the person driving it is a complete jackass from Massachusetts.”