Press Herald Should Hire Some Satirical Bloggers, Analysts Say

PORTLAND – With circulation and revenues plummeting faster than a sumo wrestler dropped from a helicopter, the Portland Press Herald plans to lay off 40 workers, many of whom could be replaced by satirical bloggers, industry analysts suggested Thursday.

“Accuracy and journalistic integrity are not exactly the Press Herald’s forté to begin with,” said news industry expert Buck McTay. “When you consider the skyrocketing demand for humor and satire, the fact that more and more people refuse to consume anything meaningful unless it it is delivered with sarcasm and cheap graphics, hiring witty and clever writers should be a logical next step.”

If your business outlook has anything at all in common with the Pittsburgh School Department, it's a sign that you need to turn some major shit upside down. Lay off some workers? Go ahead. Replace them with empty chairs? Yeah, that'll work.

The average reporter writing political stories out of Augusta cannot bring in nearly as much revenue as a skilled satirist writing political stories that capitalize on political buffoonery,” McTay added.

A study by the non-profit, non-partisan think-tank Citizens for Hyphenation-In-The-Media pointed out that audiences for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report grow every year, with as much as 40% of the audience disclosing that they rely on these programs to keep informed.

The Sardine Report, Maine’s only statewide source for humor and satire, has experienced a startling 1000% growth in revenue since it was launched in January of last year.

“Richard Connor [CEO of MaineToday Media] should find whoever runs that operation and give him a generous salary and expense account,”said the CH-I-T-M study. “That’s the kind of investment in the future that the journalism industry has been lacking.”

The trends are clear, and it would be a shame for the Press Herald to fall behind the times again,” said McTay. “Considering their 1998-quality website and the fact that they’re starting to get scooped by the Bangor Daily News – not easy to do – I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Officials at MaineToday Media did not return subliminal messages left for them Thursday.



  1. Bah. Let them eat sardines.
    I curry no favour with these ink-stained wretched of the Earth. (or with sardines. As curried, an abomination!)
    Perhaps they can temporarily move to a nearby richer state, then catch and marry a “good sturdy broad”, and bring her back to Maine to breed, and thus reverse the annoying population decline.
    This would please the Governor to no end!

  2. Bah. Let them eat sardines.
    I curry no favour with these ink-stained wretched of the Earth. (or for that matter, with sardines. As curried, sardines are an abomination!)
    Perhaps these pretentious scribblers could temporarily move to a nearby richer state, to catch and marry a “good sturdy broad”.
    Even Canada! Nearby Quebec is overflowing with ladies who are still ovulating.
    The tired hack could then bring his prize back to Maine to breed, and thus reverse the annoying population decline.
    This would please the Governor to no end!

  3. We all make jokes at the PPH’s expense. Perhaps we should just submit expense reports and nag them ’till they pay.

  4. Sir, your language and excessive use of disgusting expletives above leaves me no choice but to ban you from our corporate network.
    We are in the environmentally friendly business of recovering mercury from fish such as sardines, and then using this mercury in our fine line of CFL bulbs, as well as our larger 48″ fluorescent bulbs.
    Business has been brisk, and we were about to award you a contract to recover the excess, indeed ALL Mercury from the sardines of Maine.
    But your redneck language above has convinced us to seek out sardines from Nova Scotia instead. I jolly well suspect they have a better quality of Mercury too!
    Good day to you, sir!

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Nutrition Information

The Sardine Report is 98% fact free, with no trans facts and no cholesterol. We got lots of mercury, though. Hope you like it.
Copyright 2012 The Sardine Report and Marsh Island Syndicate. All Rights Reserved.

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