PRESQUE ISLE – The 21 minutes of intense soul-searching that led Brian Reed, 18, to apply for and accept admission to the University of Maine at Presque Isle took a quick and dramatic reversal Friday night as he realized he was about to spend his college years in fucking Presque Isle, Maine, of all places.
“Jesus, what am I doing?” asked Reed, a potential mathematics major from Athol, Massachusetts. “How did I end up in this God-forsaken medieval potato field? Can I even be sure calculus has made it up here by now?”
When his roommate pointed out that it wasn’t even winter yet, Reed placed his face in his hands and groaned like his appendix had burst.
Reed’s experience is not uncommon, admitted UMPI Admissions Director Joseph Greeley. “Most of our kids are from Maine, and are happy to have made it into any college, even if it does remind one a bit of a Siberian outpost,” he said. “Many out-of-state students do find there is a bit of an adjustment period.”
Reed recalled noticing UMPI’s slogan, “North of Ordinary,” on a brochure in his high school guidance office. “I always thought of myself as a little unusual,” recalled Reed, only now realizing that every single 17-year-old on earth feels the exact same way. “It seemed like a good fit.”
As it turns out, UMPI is not only “North of Ordinary,” it is “North of fun, North of relevant, North of prestigious, and north of the goddamn arctic circle,” he lamented.
“I guess I should have taken some geography in high school, or maybe not been stoned out of my mind when I did my campus visits.”
After realizing he needed to get himself back home, fast, Reed attempted to visit the campus counseling center, only to find a line stretched out the door and halfway down the street.