Woman with IQ of Hamster to Cast Ballots
HOULTON – Noting that same-day voter registration is a thing of the past in Maine, Sandy Farnsworth, 34, registered to vote yesterday at the Houlton Town Office, despite the fact that she is one of the stupidest people ever born and raised in the State of Maine.
“I really am a total moron,” said Farnsworth, whose speech could barely be understood through gobs of spittle dripping onto her tee-shirt. “I always just vote for whichever candidate has the scariest ads.”
Despite her drastically reduced level of mental functioning, Farnsworth said Houlton is the fourth town she has registered to vote in already this year.
“I just registered in Monticello two days ago,” she stammered. “They don’t even check or nothin’.”
Confronted with the news, Houlton Town Clerk Cathy O’Leary said, “Well, at least she didn’t register and vote on the same day. That would have seriously undermined the democratic process.”
Farnsworth said she voted six times in 2010 and eight times in 2008, in various towns.
“A lot of my neighbors don’t bother, so I’m just usin’ up their votes for ’em,” she stated. “They woulda voted the same way, anyways, so I saved ’em a trip.”
Reached for comment, Maine Secretary of State Charlie Summers asked this reporter if Farnsworth is an illegal immigrant; when told she is not, he said, “stop wasting my time,” and hung up the phone.