Report: High Handlebars Look Stupid

Yeah, you're... awesome.

AUBURN – That guy who rides around on a motorcycle with high handlebars thinks he’s the coolest cat on the highway, but actually he just look like a puny toddler trying to feel like a grown-up by tooling around on a piece of equipment made for someone twice his size, a new study suggests.

A report called “Tracking the Paradigms of Masculinity Expressed Through the Purchase and Usage of Motorized Equipment Built for Fucking Clowns,” co-authored by University of Maine sociology professor Daniel King, is expected to be published in the Journal of Inexplicable Human Behavior next month.

“We spent two years studying the discrepancy between one’s self-perception of coolness and others’ perceptions of one’s coolness,” King explained. “We paid special attention to guys with motorcycles, since most of them are narcissistic assholes.”

King’s study found that a whopping 91% of those riding extremely loud motorcycles believe the people around them are “wicked impressed” with the noise, while the other 9% “don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks.”

“In reality,” the report states, “a shocking majority – about 80% – feel that excessively loud motorcycles would be excellent targets for experimental heat-seeking missiles.”

As for the high handlebars, the study found a mixture of bewilderment and disgust among a variety of peer groups interviewed.

“How the hell are they supposed to steer with their arms way up in the air like that?” asked one subject. “Motorcyclists are forever whining about safety and visibility, and then they go make these ridiculous alterations that make all the blood drain out of their arms. I don’t get it.”

King said the study would also have explored the question of why every woman riding on the back of a motorcycle is a 52-year-old blonde with a big frizzy perm, but funding ran out.

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