Real LePage Found Bound, Gagged in Closet

Body Double Has Served as Governor Since April

AUGUSTA – Pundits who wondered what happened to the once outlandish and ostentatious Paul LePage now have an answer: the governor has sat bound and gagged since April in a closet in the House Republican office, with a body double serving in his stead, administration sources revealed yesterday.

“The governor – the real governor, I mean – is in good health and fine spirits following his rescue,” said spokeshuman Adrienne Bennett. “He did lose a fair amount of weight, though, as it appears he was being fed only once a day, through a straw.”

Capitol police say they are investigating, but have few leads.

“The list of potential suspects is pretty long,” said public safety spokesman Steve McCausland.

Ah, there's the Paul LePage we all know and love.

Public safety officials first became suspicious when LePage stopped systematically alienating every influential political group in Maine, and quit brandishing his ideology with all the subtlety and nuance of a grenade launcher.

“We’ve seen a fairly normal governor the past few months,” observed Toni Lawson, political science professor at Bates College. “He made it easier for people to kill themselves with explosives, bitched about his budget but signed it anyway, appeared in parades without giving anyone the finger — you know, normal stuff for your average Republican governor.”

Lawson added, “Even the most casual observer should have been able to see that something was amiss.”

Instead, authorities did not begin to suspect anything until Gov. LePage’s wife, Ann, reported that the apparent chief executive was no longer falling asleep on the couch in his underwear, with a bag of potato chips on his lap, as is his normal custom, but instead had taken to actually putting the chips away before retiring to bed.

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