Maine Plummets to 5th Safest State Ranking

Pine Tree State Basically Sudan, Experts Say

BANGOR – Thanks to a massive rash of murders, rapes, and armed robberies statewide, Maine has dropped all the way to 5th in the Census Bureau’s latest rankings of violent crime by state.

Now the Pine Tree State is only 45 places behind Nevada for the dishonor of being the most menacing and evil collection of degenerates on the continent.

Maine Attorney General William Schneider attributed the new ranking to the fact that murders and rapes have quadrupled here so far this year, from 12 in 2010 to 48 already this year in Penobscot County alone.

“Basically, we’re in the middle of an unprecedented wave of insidious criminal activity,” said Schneider. “It would not surprise me if we’re right up behind Louisiana and New Mexico [No. 48 and 49 respectively] by next year.”

State officials are quick to point out that crime has increased in Vermont, as well, but the Census Bureau statistics are skewed in their favor because Vermont does not track crimes against cows.

New Hampshire, which currently holds the “safest state” title, only has about 500 year-round residents.

Local reaction to the news was telling.

“I keep reading about all these murders in the paper, so I’m not surprised,” said Scott Merritt of Glenburn. “Every day it’s someone shooting her husband, or shooting someone’s dog, or cutting someone’s throat, or pistol-whipping someone’s grandmother, or charging their cell phone on someone else’s wall outlet. It’s getting so I’m wondering if I should lock my doors at night.”

Doris Brown of Holden blames the arrival of Hollywood Slots in Bangor for the chaos that has enveloped the state. “Ever since they opened up, I’ve been paying more attention to reports on the news about murder and arson, which makes me think crime has gone up,” she said. “But I actually don’t have any idea, because I haven’t looked at any actual statistics.”

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