Adorably Naive Class of 2011 Still Unemployed

By Karl M. Chocensky

PORTLAND — Recent high school graduates across the state are still thinking they might potentially get a job, be it temporary service-oriented work for the summer or a rewarding career that pays well while not compromising their ideals, analysts revealed Thursday.

A new study released by the U.S. Department of Labor showed that 64% of 2011 graduates are planning to live at home indefinitely, assuming that from now on life will look like every summer vacation they’ve had since they were five years old.

The other 36% “bask in the hopelessly outdated notion that they live in a prosperous country where hard work inevitably leads to a better life,” stated the report.

“I plan on going to the University of Maine in Orono and get a well rounded liberal arts degree. I’m thinking of going into journalism so I’m definitely going to major in English,” Says eighteen year old recent Winslow high school graduate Tiffany Boswell, completely ignoring the staggering odds against her.

As the economy shrinks and the cost of education increases only a tiny fraction of these fresh-faced young men and women will be able to even eek out a living wage outside of the service industry. Yet many still plan on burdening themselves with life-long, crippling debt by attending colleges across the country.

“The fact of the matter is there aren’t any new good paying jobs,” says Professor of Economics Timothy Flaanderer of the University of Southern Maine. “Plus I’m tenured so they’re going to have to fucking shoot me before I give up this cushy gig to some pimple-faced kid.”

Many graduates even want to attend college out of state where tuition for non-residents is sometimes 60% more expensive.

“I’m going to move to California and study theater at Berkely.” Robert Manson of Palmyra told the Sardine Report, adding, “That’s my passion. I don’t care if it isn’t the most practical degree.”

That’s a good thing too, according to the avenues of opportunity he’ll have upon receiving his $160,000 a year degree from the prestigious school. Half of the escorts who advertised on craigslist in 2010 are theater majors. The other half majored in Philosophy.

But there are some graduates who won’t be attending colleges and instead intend on entering the workforce directly.

“I never really was much good in school,” said Jeremy Cummings of Camden. “I’m just going to see what’s out there and take the best paying job I can find. I’m hoping to get into insurance. I bet if I work hard and keep my head up I’ll move up the ladder really fast!”

“Yeah and I’m going to find a solution for unemployment!” Professor Flaanderer said between bouts of hysterical laughter. He then added “No seriously, seriously, come on I feel bad for the kid.. Climb the ladder.. HAHA.”

Whatever pursuits these brave young men and women decide to pursue the whole state stands behind them. Laughing at their stupid, stupid idealism.




  1. Philomena "Philly" Flippin Bugers says:

    I think you got your stats wrong. Half majored in theatre. Half majored in philosophy. And the OTHER half dropped out at 16 to get their GED ’cause what’s the difference anyway? When they do finally go back and get their GED they’ll be a manager at McDonald’s in nothing flat. Promse. Ha. ‘Cause they know people in this town.

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