BELFAST – Leading up to its June production of Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream, the Waldo County Community Theatre is just full of pretentious little assholes who think they’re King Shit on Turd Island, sources close to the cast revealed Friday.
Posters hung around town pronounce the show as a “delightfully innovative journey into The Bard’s whimsical masterpiece,” promising an “unforgettable escape into an enchanting mystical world,” among other ridiculously overblown claims.
Meanwhile, theatre boosters, cast, and crew remain clustered together in their own little clique, barely acknowledging the community around them.
“I don’t know who these people think they are,” said one local resident who asked not to be identified. “You’d think they’re all just making a pit stop on their way to Broadway or something.”
Director Georgette Kleine said theatre members “have worked extremely hard for little or no compensation to bring Shakespeare to life in this little coastal town,” which apparently entitles them to some kind of freaking medal of honor or something.
Doug LaFontaine, who plays Lysander, said in an interview Friday that he aspires to attend the New York Film Academy, and plans to use clips from his performance as part of his portfolio.
“That’s all well and good, but the man speaks with a lisp and is barely audible from beyond the third row,” said an anonymous crew member.
The actor who plays Puck, Paul Chesterton, barely acknowledges anyone while he stalks moodily around the Co-Op, loathing himself for having to be seen in public among such riffraff. Chesterton is apparently unaware that he is 50 pounds overweight and persistently tests the seams of his ill-fitting costume.
Liam Thompson is hardly convincing as King Oberon, considering his voice still cracks and acne covers 80% of his body. Nevertheless, sources say he considers himself the next Leonardo DiCaprio.
“We are excited to show this community the power of theatre,” said Kleine, the director, who in the last 20 years hasn’t had a meaningful relationship that didn’t take place in front of a keyboard. “We hope everyone will come out and support us.”
Yeah, we’ll get right on that.