Report on Missouri Compromise a Week Overdue

OTIS – Beech Hill School 8th grader Elijah Meade is more than a week late turning in a crucial report on the Missouri Compromise, his Social Studies teacher reported yesterday.

“He promised he would have it for me Wednesday morning,” fumed Bethany Turner, 29, a six-year veteran of the education profession. “That was two days ago.”

Turner said she thought about taking the unusual step of calling Meade’s parents, whom she has never met. But she reconsidered because “they are probably drunk” or not at home.

Got apathy?

“This is a really serious problem,” she said. “How are kids like Elijah supposed to escape the crippling blight and intense isolation of their rural poverty if they can’t paraphrase a Wikipedia article on a topic of zero interest to them?”

Enacted by Congress in 1820, the Missouri Compromise allowed Maine to be admitted to the union as a free state and Missouri to enter as a slave state, deftly prolonging an agonizing national conflict and enraging those in the Pine Tree State who insisted that it should have been called “The Maine Compromise.”

Young Mr. Meade’s failure to grasp the significance of this historic event has kept Ms. Turner awake many a night. “It’s so sad. He’s got so much potential, but I just haven’t been able to reach him by lecturing endlessly about dead people,” she said.

The teacher agonized about whether or not to stress how damaging it was for Congress to legitimize slavery in federal law just 40 years prior to the Civil War. Meanwhile, multiple sources confirmed that 80% of her students spend nearly every class either texting or imagining someone naked.

Meade was unavailable for comment because he was in the middle of a 6-hour video game session. A source close to him said Meade believes Ms. Turner “doesn’t like him” because she gave him a detention three weeks ago for wearing his hat in class.




  1. Sadly, this satire is not so far off the mark. The conundrum: the community-at-large wants kids to know stuff like, gee, who was the first President, but then complains that teachers don’t make school engaging enough. Add in parents who think everything is a conspiracy against their kid and principals who support those parents, and it’s a wonder teachers stick around long enough to make it through the year.

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