Quimby to Compromise With Sportsmen

Conservationist Blockades SAM Headquarters

AUGUSTA – Burt’s Bees founder and conservationist Roxanne Quimby spoke publicly for the first time yesterday about her plans to donate 120,000 acres to the federal government to build a national park in northern Maine and trap hundreds of sportsmen in the wilderness forever.

“The media have painted this image of me as being unwilling to compromise,” Quimby told a crowd of outdoorsmen gathered at the Sportsmen’s Alliance of Maine headquarters, “but this plan creates a win-win. You guys get permanent access to more of the 0.0002% of public land that would have become closed off to you, and I get to exact poetic justice.”

Quimby said she is willing to designate a smaller portion of her donated lands for sportsmen, as long as they never trespass into the national park area.

The dark green area represents the proposed park location; orange is where hunting, fishing, and motorized vehicles would be allowed. Blue is where the Sportsman's Alliance of Maine would like Quimby to go jump.

“I could see opening the park area up for a few hours or so, long enough for them to get to the unrestricted area,” Quimby said. “But after that, they’re cut off.”

When an audience member pointed out that this would leave hunters and fishermen trapped and unable to leave, Quimby retorted, “What more could an avid sportsman want than to be forced to survive off the land until you die?”

Quimby also announced that she just completed the purchase of all parcels of land surrounding the Sportsmen’s Alliance of Maine’s Augusta Headquarters, including the 200 feet of Western Avenue that until recently provided access to the building.

State law requires all photos of Roxanne Quimby to be taken while she poses next to a tree.

“As we speak, my husband is outside putting up ‘no trespassing’ signs,” Quimby told the crowd. “Unfortunately, you must all remain here until I grant permission for you to traverse my property.”

Many of the flannel-clad gentlemen in attendance, realizing they had been baited into perpetual confinement, became irate.  Quimby was not apologetic.

“I’m surprised at your reaction,” she said, “considering how much you people claim to like trapping. Mu-wa-hahahahahahaaa!”

Quimby founded Burt’s Bees in Dexter in 1984. The company grew quickly and made her very wealthy, proving that Maine was such an awful place to do business that she had to move operations to North Carolina. She eventually sold out to an evil, giant, Earth-poisoning corporation so she could come back to Maine and save all the squirrels.

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Comments

  1. The picture caption is priceless! Since we live off grid (well, OK, wireless intenet, but don’t tell) just south of her land and without road access in the wintertime. I welcome the news!! 😉

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